The quest to finding a suitable life partner (or partners, for people who are non-monogamous) is often an important aspect of life for most adults. Finding a meaningful romantic connection with someone often strongly depends on the ability of both partners to establish what psychologists refer to as a secure attachment bond. Put simply, this is a deep bond between two people that connects them across space and time.
Historically, when thinking about attachment bonds, the focus of research has primarily been on early attachments, i.e. the bonds that we establish as infants with our primary caregivers (significant adults in our lives). This is where trauma and attachment become two closely related concepts. But let’s begin first with understanding the very essence of attachment.
Human babies (perhaps more so than other “babies” in the animal world) are born into this world completely vulnerable and unable to meet any of their physical and emotional needs. We are dependent for our survival on the adults in our life. Cleverly, to guarantee our survival, our system has evolved to create an innate ability to connect (or attach) to other humans. When a baby feels fear, hunger, distress, confusion, their attachment system activates and prompts them to turn to their primary caregivers and exhibit behaviours (crying, screaming, reaching out, crawling and so on) that are aimed at re-establish their sense of safety in the world. The bottom line here is that children are not yet able to emotionally self-regulate, thus depend on their caregivers to co-regulate and help them feel calm.
Attachment theory tells us that, when parents are able to be responsive and meet their children’s physical and emotional needs consistently, over-time the child begins to internalise these skills and becomes able to self-regulate more and more as they approach adulthood. A note of consideration - the focus in this stage is very much on the “good enough”. No parent will be perfect. Life pressures and struggles can sometimes get in the way. What research tells us is that if parents are able to meet most of their child’s needs enough of the time, then this will often create a good enough foundation for that child. Children who have had good enough experiences in childhood usually grow up to develop a secure attachment style, which means that, as adults, they will likely feel worthy of love and seek to create meaningful relationships with people who are physically and emotionally available.
One of the key developmental milestones relating to a secure attachment style is the concept of object constancy, which happens when the child begins to develop their own sense of identity as separate from their caregivers, i.e. they begin to understand that their attachment figure is a separate person. They can love and care for them but they can also leave the room and be out of sight but this doesn’t mean they are completely gone. What this means in practice is that the child has internalised their caregivers love and understand that this is not contingent on the person being physically present.
I hope I haven’t lost you with too much theory. The reason the above is relevant for understanding adult relationships and love is because our attachment style and our resulting ability to develop relational object constancy are two of the main contributing factors to whether, as adults, we are more or less able to establish healthy and secure connections with our partners as adults.
Someone with a secure attachment style and who has hit the developmental milestone of relational object constancy will likely develop into an adult who is able to internalise their partner’s love and trust that this persists even during times when they are physically separate, emotionally disconnected or in conflict. Put simply, they feel secure in that relationship and, for the most part, do not feel anxious or fear they are going to lose that relationship.
Conversely, if circumstances during infancy and early childhood were such that our caregivers were not able to meet our needs in a consistent way, our sense of safety in the world and our ability to internalise our caregivers love and subsequently self-regulate, are compromised.
It is important to emphasise at this stage that disruptions in attachment safety can happen for many complex reasons and are not always the fault of the attachment figure. For some people this can happen in the context of abusive caregivers but there can also be other important reasons why parents are unable to meet their children’s needs (e.g. physical or mental illness, accidents, death, poverty, war and complex social factors). This article is not about blame. It is about understanding why you may experience certain difficulties in your relationships.
It is also important to note that attachment styles are not static. There is hope! Even if you are someone with a childhood insecure attachment, you can still go on to develop healthy adult relationships. This is where understanding ourselves is important.
Finally, attachment styles are not an excuse for abuse or harmful behaviours. If you are acting in ways that are harmful to yourself or those around you, please take this seriously and seek professional help. Patterns can be broken with the right support.
The figure above illustrates the four primary attachment styles and their link to low/high levels of anxiety and avoidance. A helpful start to understand your attachment style is to think about where you might sit in the quadrants above. Bear in mind, however, that relationships, by definition, involve two people and therefore your partner’s own attachment styles and strategies can play an important part in the dynamic.
When there is a disruption in our attachment security that can lead to us developing one of the three insecure attachment styles (preoccupied, dismissive or fearful - see figure below). What the three insecure attachment styles have in common is the fact that the person does not feel secure in their bond with the caregiver or, in adulthood, with their partner(s). What differs, is their response to feeling insecure, i.e. whether hyper-activating or deactivating strategies are used to cope with relational distress. Partners who show more hyper-activating strategies may seek more physical closeness and can, at times, be as “needy” or even controlling. Conversely, partners who show more deactivating strategies can appear emotionally unavailable or avoidant.
If you identify yourself with any of the above, it is likely that you may, at some point, have experienced an attachment disruption in your life. But remember, attachment styles are not static and establishing healthy meaningful relationships is possible. You have just made a start in shifting some of the patterns by reading this article and gaining a better understanding of yourself. Understanding your patterns is often the first step to making changes.
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